our mistrust of the future makes it hard to give up the past.

i'm a bitch.

Lord grant me a quiet heart
Before examinations start
Teach me to use my leisure hours
To strengthen my powers
My mind from day-dreams liberate
Give me the will to concentrate
From all distractions set me free
That in my studies i may be
A student with this sole intent
To make Your work a living sacrament
From my faint heart, in love, expel
All failure fears that therein dwell
And from my pillow drive away
All dark forebodings of that day
Help me in faith to rest so deep
That I may have untroubled sleep
While notes and lessons I prepare
May I not lose my zest for prayer
And may I not forget to look
For daily guidance in Your Book
In quietness, confidence and peace
May I have sure and swift release
from needless fears and apprehension
From outward strain and inward tension
And may ever grateful be
To all who often pray for me
While for myself I intercede,
For other students I would plead
So may examinations find
Each one alert in heart and mind
First inward joy and peace possessing
Exams will prove a source of blessing

-

只要有心学，就一定能学到。

don't cry..
or you'll have to spend time cleaning up the puddle of tears on your own.
coz there's no one around to do it for you.

I was just bony hands as cold as a winter pole
you held a warm stone out new flowing blood to hold
oh what a contrast you were
to the brutes in the halls
my timid young fingers held a decent animal.

Over the ramparts you tossed
the scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
tied to a brick
sweet as a song
the years have been short but the days were long.

Cool of a temperate breeze from dark skies to wet grass
we fell in a field it seems now a thousand summers passed
when our kite lines first crossed
we tied them into knots
and to finally fly apart
we had to cut them off.

Since then it's been a book you read in reverse
you understand less as the pages turn
or a movie so crass
and awkardly cast
that even I could be the star.

I don't look back much as a rule
and all this way before murder was cruel
but your memory is here and I'd like it to stay
warm light on a winters day.

Over the ramparts you tossed
the scent of your skin and some foreign flowers
tied to a brick
sweet as a song
the years have seemed short but the days go slowly by

two loose kites falling from the sky
drawn to the ground and an end to flight.

life always gives us a second chance.

-

thank You for little miracles.
than you for the little blessings showered onto the people around. birdiee can fly again. :D
and for the presence of people i love. korkor on msn. arjyparjy on the phone. jamappadelle in the library. chrystal for chicken parma. maggiemee whom i haven't seen since college.
thank you for winson.

trolley ride home for the exhausted elaine.
twirling around in circles while slung over his shoulder.
scream.
laugh.
thank you.

and for ponyobacillus- for the sincerity and the honesty.

-

perhaps i shouldn't force myself to live apart from people. i do need them after all.

it feels weird having to restrict what you say about your plans to the ones who are in closest proximity to you. i don't like that feeling. being 'politically correct'. trying to make a decision that wouldn't hurt others and wouldn't hurt yourself either. and trying to avoid the patchwork-blanket of care and concern that has been stitched with ulterior motives.

yesterday was a bad day. floated around all day because i was exhausted from my late nights. the days of only the company of myself and my books is draining. lost my student id. which irked coz i needed to borrow a book. [but that's ok now, coz hannah found it today.] came home to find an email from the agent about the long waiting list for apartments. haha, and there i was thinking i could settle my accommodation next with two snaps of the fingers. SUCKS.
i wanted the day to end asap. so i went to bed.

this morning felt better. and i studied.
got an sms and it was a timely reminder that i wasn't the only person in the world with problems.
i hate it when i make you feel like i have no time for you. because i know how that hurts.
and so i'm trying to make it better.

decided to remove the blog counter today. put it on coz i remember huiyan telling me [years ago, actually] that it's a nice surprise to see that the counter actually jumps from day to day. i guess i'd rather not know that people actually read my blog. it makes me feel less restricted and less self conscious. (:

-

battling for a place to stay next year is such a pain. but i don't really want to stay where i am anymore. i don't know why i feel this way. previously i was still sitting on the fence. whyyyy. ):

alright i shall leave now. can't seem to concentrate on anything that i'm reading. shall just go grab some groceries and head home.

Since then it's been a book you read in reverse
you understand less as the pages turn
or a movie so crass
and awkardly cast
that even I could be the star.
pink bullets, the shins.

funny how we always dramatize all that happens to us. make it a melodrama.
but i can't help it. brushing off the hurt and the struggle with an intact mind doesn't make me feel like i'm addressing it. immersing in it helps e make it more beautiful and it makes the other person more beautiful in my memory. and that helps. because it's good to be beautiful, and because pain made beautiful makes it seem worthwhile.

then there comes a point in time when i 'snap out of it' and realize i've healed and recovered. that is always when i start wondering if i could've saved all the time and effort if the matter had been approached with logical thought and reasoning.

but healing from hurt, like learning to love, is a process. when the cause of hurt becomes beautiful in my mind, i begin to accept and embrace it. then i am able to take responsibility for my part in the play. a point of balance within the soul is reached- and neither party is to blame. and there, peace comes. like how you can never grow a tree of love without first experiencing the seedling of exuberant, passionate happiness, you cannot hope to heal and grow without first experiencing the full impact of, and understanding, the pain.

一定要有过程。
you used to tell me that all the time. we were 13 and you were with your first boyfriend. indeed, we need the process to ever get anywhere. no shortcuts, no easy way out.

after all, eventhough a 75 degree angle and a 435 degree angle lands you at the same spot on he trigonometric graph, they aren't the same. one has travelled further than the other; one has gone through the process while the other has yet to.

one day i will learn to accept these processes with patience. and courage.
咱们一起加油吧。